Steak Smash instead of Cake Smash

Every photoshoot with my own family starts with the best of intentions. Shortly after however, it has been known to go slightly awry. It became clearly obvious that I save my sweetest voices, and grace and compassion for my clients and my own poor children and husband must perform like good little soldiers or be prepared for the photographers wrath. Because I am no longer Mama, I am the PHOTOGRAPHER. 

I started my photo-taking journey because I had my second daughter in June of 2022 and going back to serving was the last thing I wanted. Having gone from hard working single mom to stay at home pregnant lady during Covid, I was desperate to find some kind of side-gig that would allow me to stay home with my babies and bring in enough money to justify not working. By complete chance I had a very cheap photography course pop up on my Instagram, and in a "what the heck' moment I started it. 

I have a terrible habit of starting things and then quitting them immediately if I'm not good at them. By the grace of God my first photoshoot went well, and I was proud enough of the images to try again and again and again. And here I am today still trying, and still getting a little better every time. However as this photographer was birthed so was this memory monster. I feel this burning compulsion that now that I have the ability to take beautiful pictures and commemorate significant milestones that I must force my family into it. Thus leading to the First Birthday Steak Smash where I almost smashed my camera.

It was a overly bright, mildly breezy day. Roses first birthday was looming on the horizon and the social media gods were calling for a sacrifice of the cutest photos known to man. I will preface by saying that postpartum was not good to me. It unlocked this endless well of rage that I had truly never experienced before and was unequipped to handle. And while I was so excited and felt so creative during the preparation, the actual shooting of the pictures was far from imagination.

My ever willing husband and my less willing but obligated 7 year old helped me pack out the 4 foot letters that spelled out ONE filled with flowers. Not once, not twice, more like 15 times they helped me prop and rearrange. Moving quicker and quicker as my frustration started to mount. I will say that to me it felt like they were moving slower and slower and on purpose because they want to see me fail and don't value this as important and maybe are in fact...a little stupid. Again! Postpartum is a wild and unreasonable ride!

I honestly had zero business in the state that I was, full of frustration and expectation, to be trying to take pictures of a one year old.... A one year old who didn't give a rats ass about the vision that I had in my head. A characteristic that she still hold to today. But this girl crawled the wrong direction and wouldn't eat the steak just right. Her hair was falling out, and just as I got the perfect shot framed the letters would tilt. It was a nightmare. Not only for me but I'm pretty sure that Peter and Winnie do still have nightmares about the raging beast I became.

I wish I could go back to that girl and give her a hug. Tell her to not almost throw her very expensive camera at the ground. Tell her that I understand that they weren't "just" pictures but that they would be wonderful just because Rosie was in them. That it was okay to take a breath and maybe try again. And holy to go thank my family for helping me because I would not have done the same in their position. 

I do think the most valuable lesson I learned during that experience was Grace. I am not the only mom with a vision and a dream for how pictures of my kids turn out. I know the amount of planning that can go into even a 20 minute session. From dates when everyone is available to outfits to hairbrushing that morning. And whether or not it's reasonable it doesn't make it hurt any less when you think you could be missing out on what was supposed to be a very special memory. When all your time and effort could be for nothing and you'll leave empty handed. I get it. Especially when dealing with littles I try to be patient and relaxed. To take the pressure off of everybody and make the experience fun. To give to your family what I truly suck at giving to my own.

What I don't suck at however, is making cute babies and taking even cuter birthday pics! It was worth it. Sorry not sorry!!

~ Vanessa